Unba//anced

took a few days off to travel with the circus and two day to recover, but now i'm back and fightin' mad.

i just logged out of my hotmail account (one of five freakin' emails i have) and browsed the msn headlines. i say "women: 20 musts before 40" and foolishly i thought it might be something about goals and dreams to achieve. and it was, in a way:

20 Things to Get Before You're 40
1) A DEAD-SERIOUS PIECE OF TIMELESS CLOTHING
MC recommends: The YSL tux for women. yes, at $3560, it costs the equivalent of 350 pairs of leggings, but it will outlive them by several decades.

2) A LOOK
You’re not Madonna; enough already with the bimonthly reinventions. Are you a Dietrich throwback? A reconstructed punk? Figure it out and shop accordingly.

3) A PIECE OF ART
Yes, the birch trees in that framed Ansel Adams poster are v. v. haunting, but consider an investment piece with which to start an actual art collection. Living artists cost less; how about a Cecily Brown print or a limited-edition Tom Sachs multiple?

4) A FIRST EDITION . . .
of To The Lighthouse, the ur-Woolf.

5) FANCY LUGGAGE (A MATCHED SET, PLEASE)
No more schlepping through airports with midcentury Samsonite. MC recommends: Gucci’s new Guccissima line, which makes the goofball trolley look like a major style statement ($3350).

6) ENLIGHTENED
Go see the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, India. For his schedule, visit www.dalailama.com.

7) A FINANCIAL ADVISOR
No, the hedge-fund dude one stool over doesn’t count.

8) A MUSEUM MEMBERSHIP
Whether it’s the Met, the Getty, or the Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia, it’s time to earn some culture cred. take your place on the gala circuit—perfect for that YSL tux.

9) A MAMMOGRAM
’Nuff said.

10) A GOOD CAUSE
Stop considering yourself your own favorite charity. Amnesty International? Oxfam? Amfar? Then get your new financial advisor to determine what chunk of every paycheck you can commit.

11) A REAL WATCH
No, you can’t wear rubber on your wrist with the YSL tux. MC recommends: the Cartier roadster ($3,950). Mechanical movement with automatic winding that works off the heat from your skin. Kinky. . .

12) A BIG-ASS TV
MC recommends: Philips 50-inch ambilight, $3999. Hello, size queen.

13) A SMARTY-PANTS SUBSCRIPTION
Foreign Affairs, The American Scholar, The Economist. To be read, not fanned out on the coffee table.

14) A SERIOUS RIDE
Adieu, Budget! MC recommends: the Cadillac XLR roadster, $78,495. Not your daddy’s Caddy, trust us.

15) AWAY
Forget the brocade cushiness of the European capitals. Whether it’s overnighting in a ger in Mongolia or experiencing Vietnam before Mcdonald’s takes over, enjoy a soul-expanding, life-changing Third World vacation.

16) SOME CLASSIC CDs
Verve just released the to go series featuring discs of Coltrane, Ella, Billie, and seven others. Buy all 10: Jazz makes you look cool and gets you laid; even better, you’ll be listening to these long after you’ve stopped caring about both.

17) SOME CLASSIC DVDs
Try MGM’s Billy Wilder Collection: everything from The Apartment to Some Like It Hot. In terms of classy wit, makes The Devil Wears Prada look like Loony tunes.

18) A DECENT CUP OF COFFEE
Wake up and smell it. MC recommends: the Illy X1 Francis Francis! Espresso Machine ($800)

19) A DESTINATION HAIRCUT
Whether it’s Leonor Greyl in Paris, or Chris McMillan in L.A., spend serious bank, at least once, on something crazy-chic.

20) OTHER THINGS TO GET?
Busy, ready, pregnant, on with it. (Did we mention a YSL tux?)

I hope this list makes other women just as angry as I am. WTF? I'm supposed to buy a bunch of crap in order to be complete before 40? So, finding someone to share my life with, achieving all my educational goals and buying a home (hello equity!) aren't as important as getting a ridiculously expensive haircut/espresso machine/car/tv/piece of clothing. uh, yeah...mkay. thanks marie claire - nice way to make most american women feel inadequate because you place such high regard on material goods instead of more important and enduring goals, and emphasize all these high-end goods that women can't afford. lovely.

and i guarantee that a man's list of "20 musts before 40" wouldn't include expensive haircuts and "a look" and fancy luggage and a museum membership (and definitely not the mammogram!). actually, let's make a list for the guys:

1) a classic suit - once in a while you've gotta clean up and look good, so you might as well do it right.

2) killer abs - so go out and buy a gym membership - or better yet an expensive piece of home gym equipment you'll only use for a week.

3) a good looking past - i'm talking about hot ladies, one night stands and plenty of dirty stories to get you through those rough and boring married years.

4) a trophy wife - it's better to have a wife that looks good to other men than a woman that will treat you well. although, if you're looking for a trophy wife, then you probably don't care about treating yourself or someone else right.

5) porn - get together a great porn collection. you'll need a collection of cum shots, girl-on-girl action, gang bang/group action and then whatever fetish you might be into.

6) guns - the same goes for firearms. get a good collection going, some for personal defense, some for hunting and something for your survival after the end of the world.

anyone have anything else they'd like to add?

current mood: anger quelled by amusing myself with mock lists
current noise: "heartbeats" by the gossip