Unba//anced

i was scoping out ye olde interweb and saw updates on some people i knew in previous lives. some are doing exactly what i thought they would be. some are doing better than i thought, and more importantly better than me at exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.

now i could curse them out or say they're so lucky or blame something or someone for their good turn of events.

but that's not true (and therefore not cool to do)

i know why i haven't gotten further is life....because i'm inherently lazy and because i've grown complacent with my life. it's going ok - not bad, not great - so i just keep on going because nothing is pushing me to do something different. but then again, shouldn't i be pushing myself to do better, do something different? it can be scary, but when has that stopped me before. i've put myself out into much more unstable situations and become better/wiser for it. why don't i do that now? i could use the excuse of having to worry about the boy, the house, the bills.....stability (since the boy's work certainly is not stable, long-term). and sometimes i do get involved with shit that drags me down, shit that really shouldn't be a focus, but somehow takes up more time than the "important" stuff.

but as we all know excuses are bullshit. and nothing happens by luck or accident.

maybe it comes down to figuring out what i really want out of this life, what i really want to leave behind as my legacy and then doing it, balls to the wall and f* everything else.

current mood: tired of writing the short story i've been working on all afternoon
current song: "eye know" by de la soul.